I never thought I’d hear those words coming out of anyone’s mouth. Let alone hers.
“I wish I’d killed you when you were born.”
Her disdain echoed in my head. It was like we’d moved from the living room of my mother’s house to a valley deep in New Zealand, and she’d just screamed the words out loud. Her voice bounced off every surrounding surface. Startled birds screeched and flew away in the distance.
Anyone who’s ever watched a Bollywood movie knows exactly what I mean. (Walking along the street one minute, dancing in a field in Sweden the next, right?).
What are you thinking after reading what she said to me?
That those words from my mother were unacceptable?
That a parent should never say anything like that to their child? That I should have walked out and never spoken to her again?
Or are you thinking – your mother has her own story, Raz. Her own struggles. And those words? Are a result of both of those things.
They’re less about you, and more about her.
If you’re thinking the latter, you’re practicing forgiveness. Just as I’ve learned. From Vishnu himself, no less.
But this post isn’t about forgiveness.
It’s about pushing boundaries.
Because pushing boundaries not only makes you grow, it changes the entire social environment for the next generation.
When people witness you taking steps to move your life away from the norm, they’re encouraged to do the same themselves. It’s how new communities are built.
And that’s a movement that’s starting. Today.
My generation of women – born in the West, to families who migrated from the East -, are experiencing an awakening. It’s happening one woman at a time. With small actions, andmajor show stopping ones.
They’re looking back at their childhood, when they were told that they weren’t good enough to compete with the boys, and realising that they are. Only it isn’t a competition. It’s expansion through unity.
They’re replaying those messages that conditioned them to believe that they were only bound for a life of marriage and children, and they’re redefining it in their psyche.
They’ve learned that they’re bound for whatever they choose to be. Not what their social circle expects of them.
They’re witness to the limitations of their communities, finding ways of challenging the standard, and making tiny changes. It’s creating its own butterfly effect.
And the same is happening within me.
Because when I heard those words from my mother, I decided to uproot my entire life. And I started something new.
I stopped thinking what if I:
Moved out of my home town
Moved into the capital city
Made new friends and turned my hand to a new life
And the thing I started? Is thinking why not?
Why not:
See the stagnation in my current life and build something new?
Live in the city I’d admired from afar for so long?
Get out of my comfort zone and into new circles?
And so it began. An adventure. An EatPrayLovin’ exploration. And my very own awakening.
Because when you stop dreaming of what if…, and start living why not? Your entire life begins to slowly shift. And it moves you to the direction that was previously possible in your mind alone.
And the most beautiful thing? Is that it can begin with very small movements.
My small movements took me all the way from the North of England to luscious Paris.
Where are yours going to take you?
Changing your thought patterns like this can raise a preposterous amount of resistance (I’m English. Using words like ‘preposterous’ is mandatory). And there’s a hellova lot that you can do about it:
Know that it’s temporary because it’s in your control. Resistance is a result of fear. And fear in your mind can be changed. Read this gem and learn the best way to do it.
And what’s more? It’s a chemical reaction in your body. Did you know that when positive change happens, your body starts to receive Seratonin, the feel-good chemical? But because your body was previously content with receiving Cortisol, the stress hormone, it starts to resist it.
Wanting more of what it’s accustomed to (Cortisol), your body decides to tell you to give up, only start and not finish, or tell you that you’re failing. All this leads you to abandon the change, and give up.
DON’T LISTEN TO IT.
Carry on down the path you started. Feed your body with feel-good Seratonin. Because that’s what it’ll eventually start being accustomed to. Y’see folks? Science.
Resolve to see your bigger picture. What experiences do you want in your life, and how do you want to feel? Take time to flesh this out and write it down. This itself will drip-feed the drive you need to start with limited hesitation.
Once it’s written, read it whenever you feel resistance. It’ll be your personal cheerleader. And who doesn’t need one of those?
And the final thing to do is to simply start small. Baby up those steps. Because Practice makes persistence. And persistence makes you unstoppable.
Today may not be the day you quit your job to do nothing but retire to the Himalayas and monk-out ‘til eternity. The job you have took investment. So perhaps today you simply book yourself onto a meditation retreat, and build from there.
And so it starts. The movement that takes your what if.. and makes it an unstoppable why not?
And today? Is your opportunity to share your story with our community here. What times in your life did you decide to challenge yourself and do something different? What change did you create, big or small? When did you turn your what if… into a why not?
And if you’re feeling like sharing some more, join the campaign. We want you on our team. It would be an honour to have you.
Razwana Wahid is the founder of Your Work is Your Life. A copywriting and online business strategy service dedicated to coaches, consultants, healers and service providers. The ‘what if …. why not?’ movement has started. Are you in? Join us. Right here.
If you enjoyed this post, please share on your favorite social media sites. Photo credit
Who needs United Airlines when you can walk on the clouds?
“No matter where you are on your journey, that’s exactly where you need to be. The next road is always ahead.” Oprah
The fancy home overlooking the glistening turquoise sea.
A fulfilling work-life and entrepreneurial career. Planning glamor weddings or writing best-selling books. Managing that talked-about restaurant that caters to celebrities.
Boating cruises on the Riviera with that tall, dark-skinned French doctor of your dreams. Weekend getaways to Cannes, where the film festival makes the bottom of your weekend itinerary.
All right, all right.
Maybe not quite so glamorous but you know what you’ve always wanted; love, career, children, a lovely home, season-tickets to the Teatro alla Scala, tango dancing in Buenos Aires.
Just the basics.
You NEVER imagined you’d be here.
You thought all the pieces of the puzzle were to fall together and your life would unfold as you had desired. Life would be a comforting journey on the ‘It’s a Small World’ ride at Disneyland where you floated around on teacups visiting exotic countries around the world.
Instead, you’ve found it to be like a scary life-or-death, hair-frazzling roller coaster ride leaving you breathless, disjointed and baffled.
What happened to that fairy-tale life you were promised as a kid?
What happened to the life-dreams you had so meticulously imagined in your day-dreams?
Is your dream job more elusive than ever?
Is your career at a dead-end?
The hunk of a guy you’re dating: more punk than hunk?
Your life didn’t quite turn out the way you imagined. Instead of flying, you feel like you’re scuba diving. Scuba diving without an oxygen tank. Ok, feels like you’re drowning.
Did your life turn out the way you wanted?
Why did you get left behind?
Why is everyone else moving ahead?
Why is everyone else’s life falling into place like a 10-piece jigsaw puzzle when your 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle is scattered across three rooms, missing 150 pieces and is hardly recognizable?
The life I wanted seems so distant.
When I completed my law degree, I spent several years of my life as a courtroom lawyer but was never a fan of the practice. Instead of sticking with law, moving up the partnership track and getting paid!! ($$) I’ve jumped out of law practice all together. It didn’t fit my soul, personality or interest so I bid it farewell. But it set me back a few years professionally.
I married at the age of 25. Like most who walk down the alter to wedded bliss, I wanted this marriage to last a lifetime. Forever. Happily ever after, as fairytales end. A long life together, happiness and children. But it didn’t work out that way. In fact, we married too young, learned we weren’t right for each other and and divorced much later than we should have.
Yup, life wasn’t what I had wanted it to be and the life I desired seemed obscure.
What next? What do you do after the sense of failure has pinned you against the wall? After the frustrations have set in and the tears have dried up?
Your journey back to your life starts with:
1) Resist your desire to compare yourself with others. You don’t know the 99 problems Jay-Z’s got. You don’t even know 99 problems your wealthy girlfriends, attractive exes or bff’s have. Life may appear grand on Facebook postings and idealistic on Christmas cards but you have no idea what deranged and lunatic people your friends and family are.
The more ideal their lives appears, the more likely you’re going to be reading about them in the tabloid papers or TMZ.
2) Let your life work out on its own pace. No two journeys are the same (except in prison where your daily routine, clothing, bedding and food options are the same.) We each have different lessons to learn and different experiences to have.
You need the setbacks, experiences and lessons learned to shine in the future.
3) Be grateful for who you are. You’re a divine being. You just forgot about that as you grew up and people around you told you otherwise. As a baby, you were coddled, petted and treated like a precious gem. As an adult, you’re now treated like Amanda Bynes or Justin Bieber on a bad day in court.
You’re not a disgraced pop star or reality tv wannabe. Be grateful for you. Be grateful for your talents, abilities, mind and consciousness. Be grateful for the gift you are to the world.
4) Be grateful for everything you’ve got. Yes, your flat screen tv. Your diplomas, master’s degrees, student loan payments and photo frames. Your Gucci sunglasses. Startucks coffee-cards, Nina Fern pumps, weekend spa retreats… Your 18 silk scarfs. Your 10-year-old Volkswagen Jetta which drives without protest or resistance. You’ve got food and friends to eat it with. You’ve got a job, however dead-end it might be.
Whatever you have, small or grand, be thankful for it. There are no downsides to a gratefulness practice.
5) Keep hope alive. “We must accept finite disappointment. But never lose infinite hope,” Martin Luther King, Jr.
Even if your life feels like it’s out of sync and far from the day-dreams you had growing up, never give up hope. The life you dreamed of may not be exactly as you had wanted but it will manifest in its own way. Huh?
What you want will manifest itself in a different form than you had expected.
You might have wanted children of your own,but for now you have nieces and nephews who you enjoy spending time with. They love your company, but they go home after, saving you your sanity and sleep.
You dreamt of being a financial advisor at a large New York stock brokerage. The good news is that when the market tanked, you didn’t have dozens of angry clients trying to break down your door. Instead of doing it professionally, you’re able to make smart investments for your family members who ask.
You didn’t make it into Hollywood but you’re teaching children how to act and making a difference in the lives of dozens of future actors.
Stay positive and hopeful that the universe will manifest your desires.
Any day.
It may not be exactly as you had wanted but what the Universe felt you needed.
6) Improve your mindset and raise your vibrations. You’re not going to read a personal development blog without hearing this advice, but it has to be said. Or you have to be reminded.
If you’re a highly negative person, this advice goes double for you.
If you believe positive thinking is a bunch of poppycock and wondering why there’s so much negativity in your life, you might have a problem.
Thinking positive thoughts is not going to mean a house in Beverly Hills and a fat movie contract. It WILL allow for more positive affairs (no, not that kind) to manifest in your life.
Also, hand in hand with positive thoughts are positive vibrations. How in the Universe do you raise your vibrations? My friend Evelyn has some thoughts.
7) Practice patience. Yeah. Wait.
Some people I know are doing this as a spiritual practice or using it for their word of the year in 2013. Life isn’t a fast food drive-thru or quick-delivery pizza: 30 minutes or it’s free.
Didn’t someone say the best things in life are worth waiting for? So wait a little longer and your many wants and desires might manifest in front of your eyes. And much more than you initially wanted or expected.
8) Clean your house. I’ve always found that prior to my external world improving, I’ve had to improve my internal world.
“Vishnu,” you’re asking, “did you just get back from a taping of Oprah?”
No, friends, I’ve experienced this.
When you’re a mess, your world is a mess. So, how do you improve your inside world?
Yoga, sure. Meditation, fine. Serious therapy and medication, ok. Standing upside down and chanting to the spirit Gods – whatever works, mate.
What do you need to deal with serious or even small emotional and psychological issues you’re facing? IF you’re thinking reading this blog is going to get you there, God help us all.
Get help.
9) Be open to the tidal waves of change and gifts coming your way. Yeah, sometimes life’s like Christmas except you won’t know what day Santa is going to break into your pad and shower you with every gift you’ve ever wanted.
In fact, your life may already be like Christmas morning and you’ve failed to take notice.
If you’re living the dream and still feel unfulfilled, go back up to the “gratefulness” parts of this post.
If your dreams and wants in life seem far and distant, then be ready to accept your desires unfolding. Don’t shut the door on the extremely attractive delivery man who delivers you a bouquet of flowers. (Oh, do make sure that flower delivery guy is delivering flowers as his part-time job and that he’s studying to be a dentist during the day)
Be open and observant of what’s happening in your life. Allow your life to manifest what you want in it.
Don’t take another step or leave this post without heading over to the comments section below. Give it to me straight – are you waiting for your life to start or pressing ahead and living it?
I'm dazin'but check out Vishnu's guest post on Brazen
Once upon a time, I used to practice law.
Yes, if you needed a lawyer to help you immigrate to the U.S. or get the hell out, I was your man. I ran an online immigration law firm advising clients from all over the world. It was the most fun I’ve ever had helping people achieve their American dream.
The part I loved about the work was helping my clients immigrate to America, reunite with loved ones and defending them when the American government tried to kick them out. The part I found challenging was running a full-scale business. My first one.
Anyway, it was a humbling experience running a practice, operating a business and fighting for my clients.
After a couple years with this struggling business, I realized I had to close shop and move on from a venture I had put my heart and soul into.
I learned so much from having run this law firm. Even though I had to close it down, I never regretted this business for a minute. It taught me profound lessons about business, marketing and law.
To learn more about my journey and find out how to turn failures into success, visit my my guest post on the Brazen Careerist blog. A special thanks to editor, Alexis Grant, for publishing this post.
Please leave me a comment on the Brazen Careerist blog and let me know if you’ve failed before. How did you make your comeback?
If you’ve never failed and don’t want to succeed ha! no worries. Enjoy some photos below from the San Francisco Zen Center. If you’re in the San Francisco, California area, drop in to zen out.
Welcome to my friend and first guest post contributor – Razwana Wahid, founder of Your Work Is Your Life.
This month marks the seventh month I have been living on my own in Paris. On my own meaning I share the city with around 2 million other people, but I started off having no friends or family to welcome me when I arrived. Being a little British-Asian girl from a small town in the north of England, and given that my sole purpose in life was supposed to be getting married and having children, this is quite an achievement for me.
I was never supposed to amount to anything. Achievement or success was not on the cards. In fact, the cards were of a completely different colour. But as I grew older, I realised I had a taste for bigger things. Well, pretty small things to most people, but big for me, given the expectations of me were so low.
So I left my small town, moved to London, had a blast, and then moved to Paris.
Pretty cool (for me).
But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I want to do more. I want to feel like I am growing – in physical strength, emotional intelligence, and self esteem.
Do you feel the same? Do you want to do more with your life; making changes now that you know will change you forever?
I am marking 2013 as the year of achievement. It’s the year we all set goals for ourselves and achieve them, with flair and style (and in heels if you’re anything like me).
But before you set out to achieve those goals, there are a few things to consider. Five, to be precise:
1. Courage comes after the act, not before
A common misconception about courage is that you have to have some before you do anything.
Au contraire.
The truth about courage is that it is built within you over time – as you are doing, not before you do anything.
Remember Popeye? Those cartoons fed us one big, fat, lie. He would eat a can of spinach to give him strength and courage, eliminating all his fear, before challenging his opponent.
In reality, the fear never actually goes away – you just have to channel it differently.
People we admire are as scared as the rest of us. Do you think Felix Baumgartner drank a dose of courage before putting on his space suit? His courage was built as he remained committed to his goal. If he had waited until he had the strength to achieve it (and it took him 7 years of planning and work) he would never have even completed the thought, let alone put on his suit.
The simple truth is: you don’t know what you are capable of until you test yourself. You are capable of more than you realise.
So to be courageous– do more of the stuff you are scared of.
2. ‘I don’t’ is more powerful than ‘I can’t’
One of those ‘I’ statements is empowering; the other is the beginning of excuses.
Let’s take vegetarians as an example. Do you think vegetarians think to themselves:
‘I know I said I’m a vegetarian, but just this once, I will have a steak’
No.
Their statement is simple: ‘I don’t eat meat’.
Saying ‘I don’t’ makes your intention clear. You have made this decision. ‘I can’t’ implies you don’t have the ability.
Now, of course, there are some changes that we make that do not necessarily mean we stick to them 100% of them time. For example, I’ve made a commitment to wake up at 5.30am so I can work on my blog. Will I do this every day? Definitely not!
If you decide you are going to do something but will also take some breaks, then…
3. It is not OK to take a break…
…when it is not planned.
We all have moments of weakness when we start something new. But high achievers already know those moments of weakness will occur. So what do they do?
They plan for them in advance.
Using the example of my goal to wake up at 5.30am without considering any moments of weakness:
My alarm goes off. I open my eyes and evaluate how I feel on that particular morning. Given that it’s still winter and dark outside, I will decide ‘well, just this once, I’ll press snooze; I can wake up early tomorrow’. What are the chances I will actually get up when my alarm goes off tomorrow morning? Pretty much zero. This will continue on until 2 weeks have passed and I am feeling like a complete loser because I haven’t achieved my goal at all.
However, if I have planned which day I will not wake up early, then I know that that day is my ‘cheat’ day and I can stick to my schedule knowing I have a day of indulgence just around the corner.
It’s only human to fall off the wagon, don’t use this as an excuse to slack off. Plan your humanness into your schedule.
4. The purpose of ‘what if’s’ is to ignore them
What if I decide to have a Paleo diet and I then have no social life because all my friends like to eat is burgers and fries?
What if I go running every morning and eventually damage my knees?
What if I start my blog and nobody reads a word of it?
The ‘what if’s’ are also referred to as fears. Fears hold you back from starting anything.
The easiest way of managing fear is to listen to Vishnu – seriously! Read this post on conquering fear here. It contains all you need to know.
Yes, the ‘what if’s’ matter, but only when they don’t hold you back. Do think of the worst case scenario and consider what you would do if the worst case occurs. Is it really that bad? No? Then ignore this and move on to figuring out how you will achieve your goal.
But remember….
5. Planning = Procrastination
There is a time to plan, and there is a time to do.
A plan is an obvious first step. However, sitting and planning for weeks on end is comfortable and means you don’t actually have to do anything.
How do you feel when you tell your friends you your plans, like quitting your job or travel the world. Doesn’t the mere concept of achieving something feel fantastic?
And how would it feel to actually achieve it? 10 times better, right?
So consider how you would feel if you talked about doing something, but never actually took one step towards it? Not so great, huh?
Are you ready to make 2013 the year of achievement?
Let’s make a commitment to test our abilities. Make it big or make it small. Anything.
Set a date. Make a plan. Get it done.
What fear is holding you back? What will you do to curb the fear and get the achievement-train moving? Please share your thoughts in the comment below.
Razwana Wahid is the founder of Your Work Is Your Life, a movement created around finding wildly wonderful work and a courageous career path you’re truly passionate about. Read more at http://www.yourworkisyourlife.com
I wanted to take a quick moment to thank the 18 of you for reading my blog. You know who you are.
And let you know that your support and encouragement has led to this year’s blogging resolution – to blog weekly.
Thunderous applause.
Dead silence of a meditation hall.
What you get.
You – my dear reader get to hear from me once a week. What do you mean, thanks for nothing? Hear me out – I will commit to writing for you every week of the year. And yes, this post counts.
When we’re done, you won’t need a spiritual adviser, career coach, or life strategist. You’ll just need therapy.
Is that really your resolution, Vishnu?
Yes, it is. My resolution for the new year is to blog weekly and to give more of myself every day. Lucky for you, I’m going to give you a blog post every Monday. Like it or not.
Where were we?
Oh yeah, how in God’s name am I going to keep up this project and write 50,000 words for the year?
Well, that’s a question between me, God, and my virtual assistant who’s listed blog editing work as part of his job duties. (Writing is editing ultimately, isn’t it?)
I really have no idea if I’m going to start my resolution and keep it but I do have 7 strategies I plan to use for myself to try to make this goal happen.
Now that you’ve done that, are you interested in learning more about your brain and why it sometimes conspires against you? Life coach Tim Brownson has a whole book on the subject of your brain. Find out how yawning cools your brain, why people staring at you bothers your brain, and why you’re 4 times more likely to marry someone with the same last name as you. I highly recommend this fascinating book to everyone who has one. A brain that is.
Second, do you need a job in the new year? Well, if you need to brush up your resume and cover letter (or need a full makeover) and want to work with someone who gets the psychology of job huntin’ and knows how to market ‘you’ like the personal branding expert she is, visit Jenny Foss’s site. She’s hilarious and her advice is spot on!
If you’re working in a full time job but want to know how to start a part-time gig or freelance, join this free webinar with Alexis Grant at the Traveling Writer and you’ll be able to launch your side hustle like a rock star.
If you’re searching for your dream or need to figure out how to execute it, who better than the man we all know as 30 Year Old Ninja -just another person out there who quit his job and move to Japan to become a ninja. You know how the story goes. If you have no idea what I’m talking about but want to follow your own dream, check out his coaching services.
If you’re looking for some daily food for thought, my friend Andrew Olson’s blog, creatively titled www.blogandrew.com showcases intriguing, life-changing and provocative thoughts. He’s planning to write a post every day for the next year. Oh, I said every. single. day! His philosophy is to blog different – check it out.
This next item is just a quick way for me to win a free book and have Milo to pay for international shipping. He seems to be highly praise-worthy of Seth Godin’s book, the Icarus Deception. Milo, in the words of Seth Godin’s book Linchpin, “you’re a genius”. Now, my shipping address is 7809 Rosewo… Actually, if you’d like to win a book and do a more detailed review than you’ve seen here, check out the contest Milo’s running.
Writer and novelist, Ali Luke, has her latest book out on the Blogger’s Guide to Loyal Readers. I should have probably read this book before I started this blog but I don’t think it would be too late to read about how I’ve really screwed up blogging.
If you know a kid facing family problems, like living with an alcoholic loved one, children’s author Jody Lamb has written a novel for tween readers dealing with alcoholism or other family problems. The book is filled with hope and inspiration. And life lessons, even for adults, which I will be writing about soon.
And finally, one of the funniest people I know online has taken his game, his wife and his life to Southeast Asian. Keep up with Bjorn at Culturemutt who reminds us with every post that we probably should be doing something else with our lives.
And really finally, Marcella Chamorro, just uploaded her TED talk in Nicaragua about how to take the skills from our past-times and hobbiesand apply them to our everyday life. Check out the video (with English subtitles) here.
I hope these links inspire, motivate and improve your life.
It’s almost the new year! Which only means one thing: new year’s resolutions to be made. And broken.
Why do you have such a hard time following through with your New Year’s resolutions?
Why don’t you complete and meet your goals?
How can you actually achieve your goals in life?
Great questions! I don’t have the answer to any of them.
So I spent a part of my holiday trying to figure out how we can actually achieve our goals.
Life coach and life coach trainer, Susan Fox, shed some light on the subject of how to achieve goals. Susan’s a professional life coach who helps her clients get motivated and inspired to get things done in life.
Check out the video below to learn more about how to achieve your goals, resolutions, and inner-most wants and desires.
Well, not sure about the last part but she does give you actionable steps you can take to achieve your personal goals and new year’s resolutions.
(Spoiler alert – there’s no magic pill, magic bullet or abracadabra involved)
Thanks for doing this interview Susan! If you’re looking for a terrific life coach, visit Susan’s site for more information. If you’re interested in a full workshop on achieving your goals for the new year, Susan will help you reboot your brain in late January. Details here.
Do you have a lot of goals planned for the new year? If you have a goal-achieving tip which can help others, please share in the comments below.
Hi, I’m Vishnu
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
![How to Fly when YOU feel like you’re drowning. [9 tips for moving forward]](https://www.vishnusvirtues.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/womanflying-300x192.jpg)
