I hate to say this, friends, but I really am doing well under the circumstances.
This feels too similar to the uncertainty I had in my love life.
I was supposed to be a nomad in 2020, traveling the world and working. All was going well until COVID struck Malaysia in force in February.
I was visiting Malaysia, where my family lives when the government decided that a lockdown and country-wide shutdown was necessary.
This then led to a once in a lifetime opportunity to spend some quality time with the parents, which I have never done in my adult life.
What a fascinating (and by that, I mean, thrilling) time it’s been.
I would love to share my Dad’s astrological predictions according to Indian astrologers about when Corona will end or my Mom’s take on what started the pandemic (she’s vacillating between the deep state and a Chinese lab experiment gone wrong).
God, send help if you’re reading.
Anyway, some of this seems unfamiliar since I’ve never lived through a pandemic and lockdown. Yet so much of this feels oddly familiar.
It’s odd to say this out loud but I feel like I can do pandemics that feel like the world is ending.
I feel like I can do self-isolation, social distancing and lockdown like a seasoned veteran.
As a matter of fact, almost a decade ago, this is basically how I spent my life.
For nearly a year after my divorce, I pretty much stayed home, cried and watched Joel Osteen and Oprah on Sunday mornings. I went to work occasionally and to yoga class weekly. Other than that, I didn’t speak to a single person I knew.
Indian families, like mine, didn’t understand or support divorces. I was the first in my family.
I was so embarrassed, ashamed and felt like a failure that I didn’t feel like talking to friends either.
I was in my own self-quarantine of grief.
Once you’ve gone through something like this before, a pandemic is something you can do in your sleep.
I can crush this pandemic like the divorce that crushed me.
What I am coming to see is that there is going to be a lot of uncertainty in the world after this event is over.
What will happen to our daily lives?
The places we live in?
The world as we know it?
I have no idea about these things but I do have some idea about how to deal with uncertain times in our love lives.
For example, in your life, you may be experiencing uncertainty of some sort.
Should you stay in the marriage?
Should you leave?
Should you move on?
Should you meet someone new?
You may be in many different places with your partner or spouse. You may be feeling uncertain and stressed during these pandemic times about your love life.
How do you cope? How do you move forward?
How do you deal with the uncertainty you‘re facing in your love life?
Here are 4 ideas to help you deal with uncertainty in your love life.
Call on your intuition.
Yes, you know what you want and you know what’s right for you.
All you have to do is listen to yourself.
Whenever I coach people, I love to listen to them because I hear the deepest insights and nuggets of gold.
They seem to have the most insurmountable problems but when I ask them a simple question, they have an abundance of insight and wisdom.
Call on presence.
The past and future don’t exist in reality.
We want answers for the future and explanations for the past.
No matter how many times my Dad cites astrologers to explain when Corona is going to end, I don’t seem to buy it.
We don’t know about the past or future but we do know what’s happening now.
Check in with yourself at this moment and just live for right now.
Drop the past and future from your mind.
Call on surrender
You don’t need to over-think the solutions.
The universe will move you to the answer.
And no I’m not drinking a coconut pina colada or a Jungle Bird at the moment either.
You don’t need all the answers you think you need.
Let life take its course.
When the time comes, you will know what you need to.
Thinking, planning and analyzing won’t change things.
Clinging and holding on won’t change things.
Control and demanding things of life won’t change things.
Surrender.
Call on faith.
Faith in what, you might ask?
How about yourself?
Yes, you. You got this. You always have.
You always come through and have overcame.
You’re still standing no matter what life has thrown at you.
You are the light you have been waiting for.
Also, call on the idea that everything works in your favor.
I thought that my life was done for and it was time to become a hermit in the Himalayas.
I kept going though and became a writer and coach.
Then I went to Bali because… Elizabeth Gilbert, who else.
Then I met this amazing Indonesian woman. Then I fell madly fell in love with her in the time of quarantine.
Oh wait, story for another day.
Let’s get back to you.
You got this.
Everything is working in your favor.
You specialize in uncertainty.
You have inner wisdom.
You have this moment.
Surrender.
Know the universe has your back.
Don’t talk with your conspiracy-minded Mom or astrologically-oriented, Dad.
You got this, friends.
p.s. And of course, if you still feel like your love life is more chaotic than the pandemic, I’m here. If you can use some direction, guidance or coaching, reply to this email or fill out this form.
Everyone responds to divorce and breakups differently.
I have met people who are dating multiple people after their divorce, having the time of their life and marrying their soulmate soon after.
I’ve also met people who are stuck for years on end after divorce.
This is was me.
These are the people who I coach.
This might be you.
Some people feel physically alive but emotionally and spiritually dead post breakup.
Some people believe only their past contains their best life.
They believe their future is sad and hopeless.
We are people who saw the life that we knew crumble right in front of us.
We survived the wreckage but are still left wondering, “why us and what now”.
“Why me” is what led me to leave my career as a lawyer. (It also made me write this book Is God Listening)
“What now” is what led me to Bombay and Kerala, to Burma and Sri Lanka, to Guatemala and Costa Rica. (I should probably write a book on that…oh, wait…)
I now get why travel is so attractive to the broken-hearted and divorced.
I’m going to urge you to do more of it too.
You know what’s different about us?
Our entire lives fell apart.
Everything we had known to be true no longer is.
The life that we had created vanished right in front of our eyes.
Our marriage, our partner, our schedules, possibly our jobs and where we lived, where our children live, etc etc.
Our lives crumbled. Everything changed and nothing made sense anymore.
Which in many ways is like travel.
Imagine waking up in a foreign country that doesn’t speak the language you’re used to, has completely different customs and traditions and appears totally foreign too.
You and I are already used to this!
If you’re experienced in unfamiliar places, foreign surroundings and where nothing makes sense, then travel is perfect.
Except unlike our romantic breakups, travel is welcoming and pleasant.
We welcome in new foods and hospitable people.
We don’t understand languages that are filled with romanticism and adventure.
We see people and places that are unfamiliar but beautiful.
We find ourselves in situations where we might be by ourselves but seem connected to the people around us.
I’m not exactly saying that divorce is a like a trip to Paris but maybe I am
And those of us who are divorced will excel at it.
And those of us who are divorced should do more of it.
Once you see the world you’re familiar with disappear, you adapt and try to make sense of the new world in front of you.
If you’ve done it in divorce, you can do it in travel.
In travel, novelty and unfamiliarity is pleasant and welcoming.
Newness doesn’t mean waking up by yourself in a huge bed in a huge house.
Your newness is waking up in a quaint hotel overlooking beautiful lakes you’ve never seen in your life.
Or trying to buy unpronounceable street food from people who don’t speak the same language as you.
The divorced are experienced in the novel and unfamiliar.
We are trained to start over when everything in unknown.
We didn’t go out for a weekend seminar to learn this.
Divorce taught us to navigate the unfamiliar and uncertain.
It taught us to stand strong and step up when the rug was being pulled from underneath us.
So, travel more often.
Travel to more unfamiliar locations.
Have your external circumstances change regularly until…
you realize that the external can change frequently and often but you still remain the same.
Underneath all the change and unknown is you:
Known, truthful, expanding, growing, soulful.
Hey are you subscribed to the blog? If not, sign up today so I can email you on the regular 🙂 with words of insight and inspiration.
The more married people come to know about this, the more lives are going to be ruined.
This must only stay here between us.
Divorce is sad and hard.
One day you’re grocery shopping together, strategizing about the tofu wraps you’re going to prepare for your dinner guests at home.
The next day you lose your spouse, your friends, your home and all desire to eat tofu.
Other people are going to work and living their everyday lives but you want to curl up in bed, wrap yourself in a blanket and just permanently stay there.
Don’t we get 3 chances at life just like video games? Or 9 lives just like cats?
Anyway, I was in your shoes.
I thought it was over after divorce. I was looking forward to a peaceful life and old age.
This whole married thing and looking normal to the rest of society was fun and normal.
We had jobs and friends and family and vacation time and professional degrees.
What the heck else could we ever want?
I mean sure we could ask for real love, happiness and a life of our dreams.
Or we could have dinner, put the dishes away and go to bed so we could go to work the next day.
We could go to Ikea and Christmas parties.
We could send out annual greeting cards and post happy Facebook photos of ourselves even if we weren’t.
This continued until the divorce at which point it all came to a crashing halt.
And you know what it has been.
Divorce sucks. Sucked.
You’re alone much of the time.
Society doesn’t really see you.
Most people think there’s something wrong with you.
And everyone deeply desires you get married again so you can be happy and normal like the rest of everybody else.
Which brings me to this dirty little secret about divorce.
Since divorce, I’ve been living the best few years of my life.
Every damn day, I live the life I want.
I see who I want, I do what I want and live the way that I want.
I don’t give a hoot about what anyone thinks about me or the way I’m living my life.
All the negativity and toxicity has been out of my life.
I wake up happier knowing that my life is truly in my hands. I experience freedom, happiness and joy often.
I write and share content online for other people who were in the same situation as I was.
I write books for those people and encourage them to live their best lives.
I travel to parts of the world that I want to travel to but never had time to.
I go to events that I want to go to.
I meditate and chant mantras on the daily.
I slowed down my life and live a life of quiet existence doing whatever the heck I want.
From the outside in, my life looks like a total disaster and going all downhill.
People I intimately know are praying for my salvation and hoping I wake up soon and join the ranks of regular society: marriage, kids and real estate.
I continue to wake up every day looking forward to doing what I want: spirituality, writing and helping people.”
Who would have thought that I can live this life !?!
God dang, this is the best.
Screw marriage (the bad ones, of course).
Celebrate divorce.
Please don’t share this information with anyone else. Especially not with the married folk in your life.
Don’t ruin it for them!!
Don’t tell them that divorce might make them happier every day and give them the chance to create the life of their dreams.
Don’t tell them that divorce means peace, happiness and living life on your own terms. It might mean the best thing that has ever happened to them.
Don’t tell them that it means finding true compatibility and having a reals shot at love.
You and I must do our best to keep the gory details of divorce a secret.
Let us enjoy in secrecy while the rest of society is marching to prescribed notions of what a good life is.
Don’t share this blog post with any unhappily married people you know.
Don’t ruin it for us in this private, exclusive, happy divorcees club.
Don’t buy my books either if you’re contemplating divorce. If might push you over the edge and convince you to get one.
Or celebrate your post-divorce life like a champion.
This book by Michelle D’Avella is powerful and healing. It is poetic and soul-touching.
She speaks of a painful breakup in her life and discusses all the bright sides she discovered from this past relationship.
Read this book today. Pick it up at the Amazon store here (affiliate link) on your healing journey. Learn the profound wisdom and practical benefits of a broken heart which she shares.
These are wonderful qualities in life and terrible qualities in love!
Normal people treat relationships like they treat books and movies. Some are good and some are going to be so terrible that you walk out half way or stop reading.
All of here reading, including yours truly, treat relationships like the sword we are going to die on.
We are going to go down for love.
We are going to be prisoners of war in this battle.
We are going to spend way too much of our lives and our time doing the right thing.
What is that right thing?
Believing in love.
Dying for love.
Holding onto hope that love will work out and staying faithful for years on end.
It may not matter that our ex remarried and moved on to live their best life.
We are going to stay in this place, waiting and hoping that they come back into our lives!
I did this for years of mine.
I didn’t date.
I didn’t move on.
I just waited and hoped that my person would come back into my life. It would be similar to someone waiting for Santa Claus to show up on Christmas eve and introduce himself.
The sad news is that she didn’t show up.
(Neither did Santa now that I think about it but I’m holding onto hope.)
Well, maybe she did show up years later but we both decided that we were not the right people for each. We had different lives, interests, values and were different people who wanted different things.
I mean I should have known that in the 7 plus years we were married but better late than never I guess.
Now, your turn.
Has your ex moved on?
Are they dating and living their best life?
Are you still waiting, hoping and praying your ex comes back and chooses you again?
Instead of holding onto hope for your ex, move on and cope with the sadness and grief of it being over.
You know the relationship didn’t work and hasn’t worked for years.
There are too many unresolved issues between both of you to try again.
It’s time to get off the “hoping your ex comes back” train and hop along to the partner who is waiting for you.
6 Steps to Give Up on Hope On Your Relationship Working Out and Move On With Your Life
1. Choose to see things as they are, not how you want them to be.
Look at the relationship for what it was and what it is today.
Look at the situation as objectively and realistically as possible. Avoid possibility thinking of what it could be today or dreamy thinking of what it was in your dreams!
2. Don’t over-romanticize the past.
Evaluate the situation like a regular human being, not like you’re writing a Shakespearean play or like you’re writing a screenplay similar to the Titanic.
Don’t add dramatic music and recall overly-sentimental scenes from your past relationship.
3. Don’t focus on the length of time you were together.
Know that the length of time has nothing to do with the quality of that past relationship. Being together 20 years is not a sign that your ex is your soulmate and you were destined to be together.
It could simply be a sign that you made the wrong decision for a long time! You were together much longer than what was healthy for both of you and moving on is the best way to preserve all those life events that you did share with your ex.
4. Don’t focus on your ex’s strengths and good qualities.
They may seem like the world’s great husband or world’s greatest human today but it’s really unfair to overlook all the hardships and struggles of the past. You can paint them as the saint they weren’t or choose to remember them as the people they were. They had good qualities, bad qualities and qualities that were not a fit for you. Don’t stay fixed to their positive qualities.
5. Bring yourself to the present moment.
Know that you can live through grief, pain and uncertainty of the present moment.
Often, we like to take ourselves to the future so we don’t have to live in the present moment.
The present moment might contains grief and heartbreak. It can contain sadness and pain so you’d rather hold onto the future of hope of possibilities of tomorrow.
Bring yourself back to right now. You’ll get through this as hard as it may be. The more you let go of the false promises of the future and live for today, the easier it will become to move on from that past relationship.
6. They are not the ONLY one.
You might be holding on to them for dear life because you feel like you won’t find someone like that again. They are so good that you can’t risk finding someone lesser or finding no one at all.
This is another mind trick that makes you believe you’re not good enough. It creates scarcity for you and tells you that the only person who could possibly love you doesn’t want you anymore. It tells you that if not them, then no one. Your mind makes you believe that you only have one soulmate and they were it.
Contrary to the poets and writers of our time, you can have more than one soulmate in your life. There’s not just one person for you in this lifetime no matter what Hollywood says. You’re compatible with many people. You just have to do the hard work of meeting many people to find them.
It’s time to give up hope on getting your ex coming back and to put your hope in finding someone who’s compatible for you.To help you on this process and for ideas on finding a new partner, pick up my book, Does True Love Exist? 15 Simple Ideas for Finding Your Life Partner
The first and most common thought that strikes us after a life-shaking breakup is that you’re going to be alone the rest of your life.
You believe that because one person rejected you or one person ended the relationship with you, then everyone is going to have the same reaction to you.
You may feel like there’s something fundamentally flawed with you.
Your ex didn’t want you. Or you ex cheated on you. Or your ex didn’t want to continue the marriage with you.
Whatever happened in the past, you are putting too much emphasis on it.
I believed that because my marriage ended and our relationship ended, I would never be able to find someone again. I believed that I would be alone forever after the breakup.
I put so much emphasis and attention on my ex, believing she was the only person who could love me or complete me.
I’ve since realized that simply isn’t true but we believe it at the time of our breakup.
When our mind is preoccupied with rejection and self-sabotage, it tends to spiral into this place of sadness and negativity.
Here are five reminders if considering love after a breakup.
1. There are plenty of people out there for you.
You just believe that there’s no one out there or worse, all the good people are taken. They’re not.
You’re either not meeting enough people or you’re meeting people in the wrong places.
There are so many people out there from your neighbor to your people on your online apps.
It’s not the people on the other end that are missing.
You may not be trying very hard or at all.
You may have a pattern of chasing the wrong people who are not meant for you.
There are plenty of people out there who are suitable for you.
Your job is to get better at filtering and discernment to figure out who is right for you.
2. You attract who you are.
Instead of focusing all your time on dating and trying to meet the right person, consider the possibility that you might have some work to do.
Maybe you’re meeting all the right people but….
you’re pushing them away because you’re afraid of intimacy.
you run when you notice that someone is open, healthy and available.
you keep self-sabotaging so people will run away from you.
How about doing a little less work on finding the right person and a little more work on becoming the right person for your person?
3. Your beliefs affect your outcome
Just like everything else in life, the way you think about something affects the outcome.
If you truly believe there’s no one out there for you, there’s seriously something wrong with you and you will be alone the rest of your life, you are likely right.
If you believe that you had to go through the wrong relationships to find the right relationship, you are likely right as well.
You get to choose your thoughts and your outcomes. You get to choose your beliefs.
You have more power than you believe you do.
4. You can’t be found if you’re hiding.
If you’re not putting yourself out there and you’re not trying to found, you’re succeeding!
Your prince is not going to come looking for you in the woods.
Help him out a little and put up a smoke signal so you can be found.
If you think you’re putting yourself out there but still not being found, trust me, you’re not.
We all think we’re doing enough but simply uploading your photo on a dating app is hardly trying.
Like anything else we want in life, relationships take work and effort.
It takes other people knowing you exist.
5. Be happy first.
You believe you’re going to be happy when you find love.
Doubtful.
You’re likely going to be as happy as you are now so why not get happy now.
Don’t put your happiness into the hands of your future partner or your love life!
Cultivate your own happiness.
Be happy today.
Own your happiness.
It becomes much easier for love to find you when you’re in a happy place.
If you still feel like you’re going to be alone forever after your breakup, you have no choice but an encouraging read from yours truly. Pick up my book, Does True Love Exist? today.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
